havent figured out a name just yet :X

[Raindrop Rose]

Hello hello! I am writting a fantasy story for a scholarship and I really need some opinions if this story sounds good so far Cause I want it to be great and im not to sure about it. Here is all ive written so far. Comments and sudgestions on how to make it better would be great! Thanx bunches! Here we go!





I, Clementine, walk onto the sidewalk of the very popular center of New York New York, to see people pushing and shoving, yelling and screaming trying to get away. What’s going on? I then see Jack, my boy friend, come and grab my hand “Come on lets get out of here.” He said in such a demanding way that I had to refuse what he had said. So I pulled my hand back from him and he just looked back and left me without even a word coming from my mouth. He knew I was upset with him for he bruised up my back pretty bad yesterday; he is, well he is a scary drunk. Yet I really don’t want to even think about that right now, what I want to know is what is going on with this town. I then pass through tons of people to where I then saw a werewolf walking with his head down and walking slowly. Is this what everyone was so afraid of? I then couldn’t help but wipe my eyes from disbelief. When I opened them the werewolf was gone, it was now a man about my age standing in his place. He was very appealing, a tall lanky man with the same expression as that wolf had before he had disappeared. His clothes were a bit tattered but they looked quite fancy for it was black tight pants, white button up shirt with a purple vest. I then saw him look up at me, and his eyes started to glow the brightest color blue. “Don’t be afraid of me pl—please.” I heard him say in such a lonely tone of voice. I gasped for I know what he is now, when he talked I could see it, his eye tooth was a one of a wolf. Very mush so meaning he is the wolf, the one everyone so scared of. His lovely face wasn’t one to run from. I can’t be the only one seeing this. I now stopped and stared not knowing how to react as he came closer “I’m not afraid.” All the sudden I am pushed the ground, by someone other than the wolf, it was Jack. “Move out of the way! I will kill that beast before it can try to kill anyone in this town!” He said in a fiery rage with gun in hand. It disgusted me how he made this person sound so degraded I couldn’t hold back “No Jack! Don’t shoot him please, please Jack don’t.” I looked back at the man and it was once again in form of the wolf, now his eyes are in the glow of red while looking up at Jack. The wolf had snapped at him before I knew it I was trying to save Jack’s life, I pulled back on the wolf and right when he saw me the glow went back to blue and he became calm again. Jack was completely fine and the wolf was back to human form. All of us huffed from fear and fight. “Jack go home, go home now.” He didn’t look at me he didn’t even reply he just walked away.

I’m now alone with this man “I’m Clementine and you are?” I said trying to make him feel calm and relaxed. “Ace, Ace is the name. You can see me, as a person?” He said still backing down for he seemed scared or something to that effect. “Of course I can, can’t everyone?” I asked giggling a little bit for I can’t be just seeing something or anything like that. “No just you and that’s the only time my eyes ever glowed the color blue. You must be special.” He said it in a sort of flirtingly tone but almost like he had been plotting something. I think he is just trying to mess with my head, maybe?


-End-

What do you think?
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"I'm gonna high kick you in the face"

[Masquerade]

Do you want edits or just opinions?
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Insomniac depression or Ryan Ross obsession?<3

Things have changed for me. And that's okay. I feel the same. [There's nothing wrong with being Pretty. Odd.]

[Raindrop Rose]

both
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"I'm gonna high kick you in the face"

[Masquerade]

Alright, I did both- I hope that's okay . I think the story has a solid enough plot line, but I think the ending needs a bit more work. It just kind of leaves me hanging and I'm not sure what is going to happen. Maybe close it up a bit more. Even the two of them walking down the empty street together would be enough, just something a bit more conclusive than her thoughts. Overall, I liked it. I really like werewolves and I think the character is pretty cool.

So, here are my edits. The things in brackets are just some thoughts or varied suggestions:

I, Clementine, walk onto the sidewalk of the very popular center of New York New York, to see people pushing and shoving, yelling and screaming trying to get away. What’s going on? I then see Jack, my boy friend, come and grab my hand.

Walking onto the sidewalk of the very popular center of New York, New York, I see crowds of people pushing and shoving, all yelling and screaming to get away. [I’d add in a little joke here, like ‘Did the Yankees lose tonight, or what?’] Then I see Jack, my ‘boyfriend’, come fiercely and grab my hand.

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” he said in such a demanding way that I was filled with annoyed refusal. [Or ‘I was immediately inclined to refuse’ or ‘I couldn’t help but refuse’]

So I pulled my hand away from him and he just looked back and left me without even a word coming from my mouth. [‘So I pulled my hand away from him in disgust. He just looked back at the screaming masses and left without a word or glare in my direction.’] He knew I was upset with him after yesterday; he is, well, a scary drunk [I like this part, but the fact that he’s a scary drunk explains more than bruises, if that makes sense]. I don’t want to think about that right now, what I want to know is what is going on with this town. I push my way through tons of people to where the center is cleared. I then see a large wolf [I think you should wait until he changes before saying he’s a werewolf] walking slowly with its head down. [Maybe add something here like ‘An escaped animal from the zoo?’] Is this what everyone is so afraid of? I couldn’t help but wipe my eyes from disbelief.

When I opened them, the wolf was gone, there was now a man about my age standing in his place. He was very appealing, a tall lanky man with the same expression as the wolf before it had disappeared. His clothes were a bit tattered but they looked quite fancy: black tight pants, white button up shirt, and a purple vest. I then saw him look up at me, and his eyes glowed the brightest color blue.

“Don’t be afraid of me, pl—please.” I heard him say in such a lonely tone.

I gasp, for I know what he is now. When he talked, I could see it―his eye tooth long and sharp like a wolf. Very much so that I know he is the wolf, the one everyone ran in fear of. His lovely face wasn’t one to run from. I can’t be the only one seeing this. I now froze, staring, not knowing how to react as he came closer.

“I’m not afraid.”

All of a sudden I am pushed to the ground, but not by the wolf. It’s Jack.
“Move out of the way! I will kill that beast before it can try to kill anyone in this town!” He shouted in a fiery rage with gun in hand. I couldn’t help but be reminded of yesterday once more. It disgusted me how he degraded this person, and I couldn’t hold myself back.

“No Jack! Don’t shoot him please! Please, Jack, don’t!” I looked back at the man and once again he was in the form of the wolf. His eyes glow red while glaring up at Jack.

The wolf snapped at him and before I knew it, I was trying to save Jack’s life. I pulled back on the wolf just as he dove for the kill. When he saw me, the glow in his eyes went back to blue and he became calm again. Jack was fine and the wolf was back to human form. All of us huffed from fear and fight.

“Jack go home, go home now.” He didn’t look at me. Without replying, he just walked away.

I’m now alone with this man.

“I’m Clementine and you are?” I said trying to break the tension around us.

“Ace. Ace is the name. You can see me... as a person?” He said, still backing down for he seemed scared.

“Of course I can, can’t everyone?” I asked, giggling a little bit for I can’t just be seeing things.

“No, just you. And that’s the first time my eyes ever glowed blue. You must be special,” he said it in a sort of flirting tone, almost like he had been plotting something. I think he must just be trying to mess with my head.

-End-

I think you should make a connection between Clementine and the wolf, I thought the feeling of being degraded (her by her boyfriend, the wolf from being a wolf). I hope the added lines help. Overall, I didn't change any of your ideas and all of my edits are suggestions. You don't need to use any of them if you don't want to. You decide. It's your story and the last say is up to you.
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Insomniac depression or Ryan Ross obsession?<3

Things have changed for me. And that's okay. I feel the same. [There's nothing wrong with being Pretty. Odd.]

[Raindrop Rose]

Oh! Thanx so much! It was a big help lol! I really liked your sudgestions! The thing to add a joke was a really good idea. I hope you dont mind if I take some of those things. That acctually wasnt the end that was just a little bit I had done! I acctually have a bit more, cause I just wanted to see if like people thought it was getting somewhere you know So here is more that I have but not the ending or anything Ive been working on it for a while Also can you help me where to start new paragraphs I kinda get confused on when they should come up, also I should indent each part that you had spaced out correct? Thanx bunch!



“Come with me.” He started to hum a song that I have never heard, and began to move closer and I must admit it scared me a bit. As I saw him walk closer and closer I didn’t think to move at that moment for he seemed gentleman like and when we became inches a part he stared right into my eyes with his lighting blue shimmering ones.
When I looked into them I knew I had to go, I wanted to go because I really want to understand him for I know he has a story.I’m not a very exciting person and the fact that someone like this is coming into my life makes me almost feel better about myself, but to be honest I don’t know what to expect. As he still looks at me and hums his song I feel myself feeling a bit dizzy almost the feeling of passing out. Which now I fall on to the gravel not knowing what will come or if he is planning on leaving me here in the middle of the street.
“Ah!” I said waking up in an unfamiliar place, as I move my hand up to neck I feel blood roll on my hand from a few bite marks. I saw him run his way over to me and lift my head up “Why’d you do this to me.” He looked at me in complete confusion “Do? Do what?” I pulled my hand down to show him the blood covering my hand. I start to tremble with a few tears overflowing my eyes. “It burns Ace, it burns bad.” Before I knew it I felt his hand move my hair, I heard a whimper and look back towards him. He was back in wolf form, I felt him starting to lick my wound. It’s so odd to see him randomly as a wolf then seconds later a very attractive human. Each lick stings my neck but the pain starts to go away, I move my hand back to my neck and the pierced wounds are gone. “How’d you—do this?” His puppy eyes just looked so sorry that I went and petted his head slowly and saw him close his eyes after each pat. As it just downed on me that he was just trying to move me from one place to another like a wolf does. Just like you may have seen it in movies how they pick their pups up with their teeth on that part of their neck.With the blink of an eye Ace was back in human form on his knees with my hand placed on his head. “Oh, Ace I’m sorry.” I said pulling my hand away and blushing. I saw him smile then quickly try to cover up his wolf teeth. I moved his hand from his mouth symbolizing that he doesn’t have to cover up anything about himself, that I accept him. After that he seemed to become less tense “Clementine, thanks.” He randomly just came out and said. I’m not too sure what he meant but I nodded and smiled happily. Where he had taken me seemed almost like a romantic place, it was up on the side of a hill top full of grass and fancy flowers. The grass was moist that I had been sitting on before as if it just rained on in this normally sunny New York, this shows me winter’s coming. As we begin to walk down the hill so many thought are rushing through my head “The reason I wanted you to come Clementine, is because you are the only person that isn’t afraid of me. I’m always alone and I don’t know you’re different, my eyes to show it. I know we barely know each other but I don’t want you to go.” He said cutting off my train of thought. “Ace, I can’t stay, I have a boyfriend waiting for me-,” he then cut me off with saying “You’ve said enough, it was stupid of me to think someone would stay with me, a werewolf. I’ll take you home.” I want to stay with him but Jack will kill him if he even knew I went with him tonight let alone stay with him. “No Ac—“I stopped myself for I know I can’t make things any better.
As we arrive at my apartment, that I live in with Jack, Ace looks up at me one last time and I see his eyes arise blue again. It made him look so amazing that all I wanted to do is kiss him and I think he felt the same way.I don’t know him well, but I do know there is something very superior about him and I love it. “Goodbye Clem.”
He said turning my name into a nick name. As I put my keys into my door I said “Bye Ace, thank you, for everything,” I smiled and unlocked the door I turned back one last time and he smiled and then turned to walk away.
Walking inside the door my arm gets pulled and then the door gets slammed shut, Jack he is back to his drunk self. “Where were you?!” He screamed with anger filling his lungs. “Answer me!” I keep silent as he then slaps me right across the face. “Jack!” I exclaimed. He pushes me on my knees and tears flow down my face as he throws his class beer bottle at my back. In result the glass shattered all over the floor as he then pushes on my back making my hands land in the glass. “Ah.” I said for the glass is now stuck in my hand. “Where were you Clementine? Are you cheating on me? Huh, am I not good enough for you?!” He said still screaming in a rage. “Jack, I’m not cheating, I’m not!” I said trying to make him back down. As he grabbed my wrist and said “I don’t believe you!” I feel my wrist bruising from him holding so tightly. “Jack let go, you’re hurting me.” His grip became tighter and I screamed loudly for mercy. All of the sudden I hear the glass window shatter and Ace in his wolf form came gliding in and pouncing on Jack. His mouth was at a snarl and you could hear the growls coming out in each breath. Jack’s face is petrified and I see his eyes roll in the back of his head for he passed out. The muscles in Ace’s face relaxed and he was back to his sweet puppy dog look.

-More to come-
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"I'm gonna high kick you in the face"

[musicmakesmeloco]

i think it's really awesome, and yeah all the stuff that masquerade said, i was pretty much going to say

i really like it sarah i don't know why you always think you aren't good and stuff...
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Say my name, and his in the same breath, I
Dare you to say they taste the same,
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let December glow in flames

Brace myself and let go,
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don't love you
They just love the hotel suites, now

I don't care what you think
'Cuz as long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery

Oh, take a chance, let your body get a tolerance,
I'm not a chance, but a heat wave in your pants
Pull a breath like another cigarette,
Pawn Shop, I'm trading up (trading up)

I'm the oracle in my chest,
Let the guitar scream like a fascist,
Sweat it out, shut your mouth,
Free love on the streets, but
In the alley and I ain't that cheap, now

[Masquerade]

No problem on the suggestions! Use whatever you like I'll check out the second part you posted now.
_________________

Insomniac depression or Ryan Ross obsession?<3

Things have changed for me. And that's okay. I feel the same. [There's nothing wrong with being Pretty. Odd.]

[Raindrop Rose]

OK thanx
_________________
"I'm gonna high kick you in the face"